Reasons to shop

Brainstorming for ideas for a multibrand retail outlet, we were thinking of the reasons to shop. We sat aroud the table, 5 of us and came up with the following:

Reason 1: You have a birthday coming up.

Reason 2: You have a wedding coming up.

Reason 3: You have a house warming.

Reason 4: Your boss is throwing a party.

Reason: 5:You are meeting old friends.

Reason 6: You have an official trip.

Reason 7: You are going on a holiday.

Reason 8: Your neighbour recently went shopping.

Reason 9: You saw something on the shop window.

At this point, our lunchtime friend, Maria from the finance department, walks in. It is almost lunchtime. She smiles pleasantly and said, "Hey, I I won't be able to join you for lunch today".

"Why?", we chorus.

" I have to go shopping with my mum"

"Oh!Anything special?", ask I.

"Nothing much. You see the funeral of uncle John is on Friday and both of us don't have something proper to wear."

Seeing our bewildered looks, she added," ....you see... in shades of cream or peach....as is custom." 

Reason 10: You have a funeral coming up.

The doorbell

Ding dong, went the door bell.

I opened the door thinking who might be the unknown guest for lunch. No one.

I close door.

Ding dong.

This time I opened quickly. Still no one. But I heard scuffle of feet up the stairs. I walk to the stairs and look up the well. Two heads bob on 10th and 11th floors.

Ah the neighbourhood kids, regular brats. But I had a smile on lips. These carefree days. How I miss them. Anyway, I glance up again and see one head peeping down from the 14th floor.

I keep the door open. After a while I hear steps coming down. I appear at dooway. The boys might have seen my feet. They scuffle up.

I call out, "Bunty, Come here".Bunty lives on 5th floor.

Silence.

I leave the doorway to attend to my cooking.

Two minutes later, I hear Aunty

A quartet stands there with the most innocent faces on.

They pipe up, " Aunty, we didn't do it. its the new boys Aman and Adhnan." We were just going up to babloos place on 14th floor"

It was nice of them to show up even if it was a lie

I kept a serios face although I wanted to hug these little liars.

"See, " said I," There might be really old people in some apartments. If you play with the bell, it is a great effort for some of them to get up and open the door. Dont do it again."

They nodded. The youngest most.

Off they trooped.

Bigest brand of the decade

 

Q. What is the biggest brand of the decade?

A. Covid 19

Why?

1. It is a perfect case study of strategic marketing.

2. World economy was in kind of a rut in latter half of the decade. 

3.Opportunity out of the blue - Covid 19

4. First come the viral videos from a iron curtain country. 

5. People start talking. People get inquisitive. Experts discuss. Time frames are propogated of infection on world media.

6. Manufacturing overhauls. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon. 

7. Antiviral clothes, antiviral food, anviral medicines, antiviral tableware, antiviral beds, antiviral rugs, antiviral anything but sense.

8. Vaccine run begins. Vaccine shortages occur. Brand skyrockets.

9. Version 2 of virus. Aaaah. 

10  Gets still better. Today papers hint about all mutants coming together supervariant.

11. Way to go covid 19

12. Meanwhile, people now take antiviral tours, take part in anti viral ceremonies, go about life and sagging economies start looking up.

Why Covid is good for kochi?

 Kochi, the beautiful city where I live has many unique features and attracts thousands for domestic and foreign tourists each year. However, with the advent of Covid 19, the scene has changed a bit. Ant the torism industry is hit.

But actually, Covid 19 hs been a blessing in disguise to many. Why? Well, it robs you of the sense to smell and that means that the stench from rotting overflown bins, smoke from burnt plastic waste, pollution from vehicles

(now with not so pure fuel- pure one is too precious), blocked canals with untreated waste DOESN'T BOTHER  anymore.

Isn't that a blessing?

Earthquake Earthquake

I get into these episodes of scientific exploration armchair style. And presently, my studies and research is gathered around earthquakes.

So, I delve through sites and books giving me some information of Mother Earth's  shudders and tremors. Interesting stuff. And being just like an armchair scientist, I yap about my discoveries to anyone whether they are interested or not.

So last Christmas holidays, when I went home, I started off to my dad. He braved for 15 minutes then finally asked me to listen for a change.

He was in Uzbekistan for a Indo soviet tech exchange programme. They were invited to a wedding. The Uzbeks are crazy about Hindi film music and happily the whole team and Uzbeks danced to the bollywood tunes. One wrong step and down went dad. he sprained his ankle.

The Russian interpreter cum guide took him a hospital and he was nicely bandaged and advised rest.So the team was trying to be as helpfu. Dad being lazy, acted much pain. Coffee, food and drinks were brought to bedside. What fun!

Two days later, he was being crooned on . all gang had surrounded him when it started. The table shook a little. the mug fell off. Pause. again it started to tremble. Someone yelled , it is a quake.

Dad was the first person out of the building. He literally flew over a buddy, ran down the steps and made to the clearing before anyone. Others followed, laughing. Some gave him friendly jabs calling him the lazy actor.

So, if an earthquake happens, all else doesn't matters. Find way to open space if you can in shortest time.

Importance of Red

Scene 1: Apartment Day celebrations. Couple of men are drunk till their noses are RED
Scene 2: The music is on but the songs aren't being started by the orchestra. RED with anger, one flings a spoon at the videographer.
Scene 3: The Secy. blushes RED and tries to remove fellow from scene.
Scene 4: Fellow's wife is now RED hot with temper
Scene 5: She troops off with friends. Fellow comes back and hits Secy whose nose bleeds RED.
Scene 6: Secy. shows RED signal causes prog to stop
Scene 7: Public is RED with anger, demands restart.
Scene 8: RED changes to green , prog restarts and ends with dance and fun.
Scene 9: Next day, many see the day as a RED letter day and demand resignations.
Scene 10: BotheRED, the pres. calls for an open forum.
Scene 10: Committee does a RED tape on the issue
Scene 11: Some stop paying dues. Their status underlined in RED
Scene 12: 6 months on, their facilities are withdrawn. RED with anger, they blockade gates and gherao
Scene 13: Case is filed and now to their chagrin, the finances regarding cases are in RED for all concerned.


Lesson: No wonder, Statutory warnings are in RED

Shh...Don't talk about it

It was bright day. There was a kitty party at a friend's. That meant"No Coooking". Yippee. The theme for the day was white. So I fished out a white salwar kameez from the big dump in the wardrobe and started brushing my hair. The TV was on and was enjoying the live telecast of Asian Games. Suddenly it struck. A shooting pain in the .....you know where. Again and again the spasms took the breath out of me. Though we all say the sentence each time someone is unpleasant, I knew for first time how bad it can get.

Tears rolled down without even crying. The pain was excruciating. I called my friends to let them know that I would not be able join them for the party. Immediately, they wanted to know the reason. Now how do you tell another person that you have a pain ....you know where. I said" tummyache". They said they are coming over to enquire. I could not stop them. So I gathered my courage to spell it out. They came with medicine, one of them being a doc's wife. I have pain around the openings , I said. Openings...what openings, the engineer's wife wanted to know. Thankfully the other understood. She was a Gastro's daughter too.

The pain was unbearable now. So I called hubby and he came over. My friends were there. I lost shame in pain. I burst out "My *&# is paining". Poor guy. He turned the deepest red. I could not stand straight. They helped me to the lift. On ground floor, the caretaker wanted to know what the problem was. Before I blurted out anything, poor hubby said "backache". At the hospital, the first attendant was a male. Hubby had gone to park the car. So this time over he was lucky not to hear it. They gave me an injection, ran me through tests including a scan and found nothing significant. But the pain killer helped. And I learnt the meaning of the oft used phrase.

Whose MOM

"Whose MOM is it?" This is the all important question in political circles of New Delhi. Wondering what I'm talking about. It's about the one of the most significant achievements of India's space history. The launch of Mangalyan and its reaching the red planet Mars in the maiden attempt. MOM has too many Dads now. Manmohanji, Modi Ji, yehji, wohji, sabhiji want to be part of the success. ISRO's scientists don't matter at all. The poor men and women who had sleepless nights working out he atronomical calculations and planning are nobodies!!. The TV channels are cashing on with debates between the jingoistic spokespersons for parties at prime time. I think not even one channel took the trouble to introduce the core team for the mission. They just interviewed one or two and went tothe politicos who promised more masala, more ad revenue.

The evening show was sickening. Uncle Sam's vehicle is also on Mars orbit. Modi is in USA. Most probably the planets foresee a great future for the nations. But, please remember to honour those scientists with something worthwhile.

God save the snakes in God's Own country

Kerala teethers. No known medicine can save the state. People who used to drink once a while have become dipsomaniacs. Poor Malayali has no will to live. Live for what with a virtual prohibition in place. Come 12th September, the state's innumerable Bars will fade into history. Booze will only be available in 5 star hotels.

The folkore songs will disappear as there will be no singers. It is a cultural blockade. Only one thing is sure. Bootlegging will be the order of the day. Mahe will have tourist influx. The sun , sand and surf will regain its natural splendour with no tourists to pollute.

The snakes in the state will be overworked. People will queue up for a nice sting. God save the snakes in God's Own country.

One day at a gas agency

By gas agency, I mean the LPG cylinder or cooking gas agency as we see in India. Kerala, where I live is facing acute shortage of cylinders. One of my cousins runs a gas agency. For the last two months he has heard all kinds of ablatives and cuss words from consumers who wait for long periods.

One fine morning, in walks a autorickshaw driver with a can of kerosene.

" I need a cylinder now or I will set myself afire!"

Cousin sprang up shouting, "Everyone, out! Fans off. Fast."

Everyone rushes out. The auto driver is blinking.

Cousin and staff pull down the shutter.

Cousin peeps in through the window, " Go ahead , friend. Do whatever you desire"

"Are you making fun of me", asks the inflamed customer

"No, no. Go ahead. I can't help. The cylinder is in godown, but since you can't collect it, you have to wait for your turn. We have a backlog to clear"

"You should have told me."

"I did last 2 times"

"Ok. Now open up. I will collect it."

Shutter opens. Staff walks in. Fans come on. Auto driver walks out.

Moral: Threats have different effects on different people.

Brand Identity

Its festive season in Kerala. Brands vie with one another to catch attention and the moolah. A visit to the Mall with a visiting niece the other day was interesting. The Wrangler Showroom had a Buy One Get ONe FREE offer. In we walked. The trim niece started to try out a few outfits. A particular one was a bit oversize for her. The outfit was a perfect piece. I gave in to temptation of trying it on. For people who don't know me, let be give a brief description of self.


Almost forty, Greying hair left unkempt, getting into classic pear shape, a very rotund face , a bit shy of 5'6"', mostly clad in baggy salwars to hide unpleasant curves.

But human....so gave in to temptation

The layout of the store was longish with the trial rooms wedged into a corner. A mirror was kept outside the rooms too.

I tried it on, rather pushed myself in, took one look at the mirror. A nice little pillow stared back at me. Displeased, dejected, I took it off. When I opened the door, the niece saw me in the baggy salwar suit.

"Didn't you try it on? Doesn't it fit?"

Miffed, I replied, " It fits but looks odd on a pair of salwars. Let's get a pair of Jeans to go with that"

I gesture to the attendant," Can you get me the largest pair of Jeans"

He hands me a pair of tight fit white jeans size 34 and has a devil's smirk

I choose not to notice. I walk back in, try to pull up the horrible pair, but can’t get even beyond the knee. Sad, I get back into the salwars, with the nice chequered top on and peep out. My niece has a peculiar look much like a rotten tomato. I scamper back into the comfort of trial room.

After this exercise, we choose another top for her, pay for one and get out and move to the music cum books store where hubby and sons are whiling the time away. I tell them about the offer and soon the whole bandwagon makes a beeline to the store. Now hubby dear is pot bellied 6’ foot guy who has this habit of asking for T shirts with pocket at the most trendiest of stores. He started with that and as usual got a negative for an answer.

Son and Hubby tried on different shirts. One of those had one button blue and rest red. I remarked, “Wrangler tailor made a mistake”. The attendant who might have surmised that we were a band of illiterate lots filled in with passion.

“Wrangler means a Cowboy”

“Yeah much like our Lord Krishna, the Gwala,” I filled in jokingly.

The attendant looked hurt.

Now, that’s Brand Identity.

Results Time

Our neighbor could not find his roll number in the results. His teacher who likes him very much went to the new Principal’s room and …

 “How can this happen?”, said the teacher

“ The student’s result is missing”,  he added

“ May he did not appear for the exam”, offered the Principal

“But, he, Dis appeared for the exam. I know”

Now the new Principal looked harried, blinked twice

“But, he, Dis appeared for the exam. I know”, continued the excited teacher

The principal was lost. He tried his level best to keep a straight expression.

“Surely, if he disappeared, he can’t have a result”, he tried to prove a point.

“You don’t understand Sir”, said the teacher seeing the light.

The Principal’s blood pressure now started to rise.

“The student’s name is Dis. He has appeared for all exams”

Few years later, I heard that our neighbor was Dis appointed at the local University.

Reading palms can be injurious to health

Reading palms had been one of my favourite pastimes. It has always helped me strike a chord with people at college, office, building, train etc. With years, I learnt more and spoke more. Recently , I read the hand of my junior at work. I aired that she was rich, emotional and prone to gastric problems. I added that it might begin soon. Then it started.

She began the occassional leave session. She had gastric problem! Then it became more frequent. One day at tea time, another colleague received a phone call. She was sad after speaking for a while. She had lost a dear friend to cancer. The friend had stomachache which was deemed to acidity for long by local docs. A specialist diagnosed it as stomach cancer at final stage. That was it.


My junior went missing for 10 days. A feeble voice anwered the phone calls. My loud mouth made me lose a good person at work. She appeared for a day or two and disappeared again. Last week , she appeared to tend the official resignation.

I'm on lookout for another content writer. Any applicants?

Lesson learnt: Reading palms can be injurious to health

A hartal day in Kerala

Today is yet another Hartal in God's own country. We have it for many reasons - national, regional and local importance. Today's Hartal is to wake up Union Government to Give green signal to build a new dam over the Periyar river. With Dam 999 movie in theatres, public fear has reached a frenzy, If the 116 yr old Mullaperiyar breaks, the waters will inundate parts of four districts. The waters will move at 100km/hr and reach the biz hub of Cochin in just 4 minutes and wash everything out to sea. A total of 35 lakh people will be killed instantly. So, Keral needs a new dam while TN is happy with the old one which is in kerala but produces power for TN and irrigates its three districts.

So, we have a hartal. No schools, no shops, no buses. People perceive it in different manners.

As my elder son puts it," What a waste . 10 years of studies including 2 years in Kindergarten and you will be killed by floods"

Or take the case of hubby who played good samaritan to a lady waiting for the non coming bus and gives lift. Immediately the guy at the stop too tries to hop in to the rear seat. Hubby," Hey, you. Get in front"

Ride of 3kms. Girl gets off. The car moves and the guy is trying to open door. But the door of the dear car won't budge. He says," Itoo want to get off"

Hubby asks," Where are you going?"
" I just, ah. er..."
" I will drop youat the place"
"Sir, You are taking me to the police , aren't you"
(surprise)
" I'm not that kind of a guy. I'mm good"
Hubby drops him at the next stop.

Reasons to go on a trip

#1. Your cat is bored and so are you

#2. You are tired and can’t sleep

#3. You had enough of the same cribbing from office, in laws, parents and kids

#4. Your camera is sitting idle.

#5. You have a different environ to fight with spouse or even love.

#6. Your maid is taking a holiday

#7. You came into some money

#8. Your neighbor took a holiday.

#9. You suddenly turned pious.

#10. The inflight magazine was responsible.

So, when are you taking a holiday?

Superman comes to Kochi

It was…I think in the month of September. Kerala had just played host to the annual guest – Mahabali and we were still talking Onam. The rains had left Bum Bum with a fever. So after 1 week of self medications, home made concoctions etc, we took him to the doc. She on her part tried to look serious and wrote out a nice little test to be done immediately. It was 8 pm. We took him to one of the 24x7 labs, took his blood and gave for test. The huge massaging chair helped to coax Bum Bum to dispense some blood. We returned to the apartments.

There was little crowd milling around, all looking very serious. Someone came running from the adjoining apartments shrieking, “ No, He is not there”. One woman looked dazed. Men were trying to look strong.

One 5yr old was missing. It seems the mother left him with the tuition teacher and went shopping with little daughter and ayah. Now the apartment is locked and no one answers the bell and he is not to be seen.

Suddenly, someone remembered that he saw the boy riding off in his bicycle. Soon, someone was questioning the guard who said he joined shift at 8.00pm.

The local Hero took his bike and zoomed to 2 police stations and 3 hospitals and was back drawing a blank in 15mins.

Some were trying to push and break the door to enter the apartment. The building secretary was trying to be in all places at once. Bumbum was now discussing with friends about the disappearance.

And then it happened. A man descended into the balcony of the apartment from the apartment above. He got in and found the child deep asleep on bed. The bedroom TV was on.

Clad in red T shirt and Black trousers, this superman had worn his ‘undies’ inside, or we would have known earlier.

He was our plumber.

P.S He was assisted by our electrician who placed a ladder from the flat above to this balcony.

For Your Information

It was almost dusk when my younger son barged home. Angry, he was on the verge of tears. It seems, his big brother had shooed him off the football match they were playing with the rest of the kids in the complex. We had moved in about two weeks ago and the boys had found their friends. I still didn’t know the people beyond the adjoining floors. So, I went along with him to reinstate him and get to know the moms. I found a group sitting on the bench enjoying the breeze, the game and gossip. I joined them.

After a while Mom A stood up and checked the seat of her dress to find that it was wet. The rains earlier the day had seeped into the grooves of the granite bench where she had been sitting. This turned the conversation to the incidents where one felt really uncomfortable.

Mom A, “The time I broke my shoe in Dubai…. We were just going enter this hotel lobby and it breaks”
Mom B., “ Oh! Really”.
Mom A, “ It was so embarrassing and you know that it was The Atlantis. And we had to buy another pair from the adjoining mall and it came to 4000+”
All, “My, My”
Read message: She has been to The Atlantis in Dubai

Now it Mom C’s turn
Mom C, “You know once when we flying in from Singapore, the sandals broke”
Mom B, “How did you manage? Didn’t you sis-in-law make fun of you”
Mom C, “ No. This time I was flying into Cochin not Chennai. I just took it off and walked. It was only Dad who would know me”.
Read message: She has been to Singapore at least twice

Mom B didn’t want to be left behind
Mom B: Nothing will beat my daughter’s condition. She was at this diamond store where she usually goes to and admiring herself in a full length mirror when the damn pencil heel broke. And the guys there were trying their level best to stifle laughter.
Mom A: Did she make a purchase?
MomB: She did. She chose that necklace and rushed to car while I remained to pay the bill.
Tee hee..went all.
But message went across: The marriageable age daughter has got another diamond necklace…any grooms?

By this time one guy walks up to the bench holding a baby
Says he in a feminine voice,”Hi girls(where all of them are on the wrong side of 35)”
Displeasure writ large on their face, the girls return the Hi and get up to disperse.

I had enough of ‘Knowing Thy Neighbours’ session and was relieved with this break by guy-uhhh-girl( not sure about gender)

Living in an apartment

We moved in to a apartment complex about a year ago. And I am still getting to know the life in one.

Recently, the security agency at the main gate changed. Blue shirts were replaced with green shirts. And for the last three days, we could hear water running in the flat above. So, we finally decided it was time to report. Hubby gave his advice on doing so and went to the gym. I was cooking and expecting guests later in the day. with many things on my mind, I dialled 1002.
A voice on other end said,"Police Control Room"
Wow, the security fancies to call itself the police control, I thought and said" Iam calling building 2 flat 5c and please send the plumber."
"The voice," Lady, this is Police Control Room"
"Yeah, yeah. I Know."
"Do You where you have called?"
" I called the main gate. It is where we call. The plumber never answers his number"
"Please listen. This is Police Control Room"
I glanced down for first time during entire conversation. I was calling on the blue phone and not on the red intercom. I smashed the receiver down.

And now the blue phone is dead.

Playing Host

Summers and you don different garbs. You play host, tour, work, and generally are the verge of losing it when school reopens, monsoons come and life returns to normal. In the following weeks I will recollect some of the abnormal experiences. Here is first one.

Husband's co has a stockist in Bangalore who came down to visit Kochi. The Husband and wife duo were made for each other measuring not an inch above five feet, equally clueless about what to expect and equally carried by those lovely houseboat pics that tourism offices put up around the world. And to top it all, they were pure vegetarians -Jains( mostly ultra orthodox sect who won't have any vegetable that grows underground, won't dine at a veg+ non veg restaurant and even not like the vegetarian fare around). Jain tourists usually cook their own food or bring packed food for foreign tours!

We had to take them around Cochin and spend the day with them. Our guests originally belonged to Rajasthan but had been living in Bangalore for last 35 years. They had two grown up children who had recently married. So the couple were out for their second honeymoon.

They arrived late morning. We started with Mattanchery. By the time we reached the Jewish synagogue , it was closed for siesta and was to reopen by 3pm. So I tried to engage their interest in antique jewellery and furniture shops of Jew Town. But they were unamused and the lady kept repeating that they would get cheap stuff in Kolkatta where they shopped for daughter's wedding. I however continued my efforts to generate interest. But their bored looks made us try another attempt which was taking them to Fort Kochi, the place known for the Chinese fishing nets. But the decision was wrong. The beach and wharf stank of fish and the lady was almost blue in face closing noseand mouth. Her eyes pleaded rescue which we promptly did and took them to one of the oldest churches in the area. Another lesson learnt-Jains are not interested in churches even if they have Portugese inscription, centuries old Punkahs and nice wooden pews.Evey now and then, they would ask, "Will we going on a houseboat today?" to which we would be patient and say that good houseboat tours are in neighbouring dist. Alappuzha and that they can go on one the next day or the day after. But no avail. The question was a good example of periodic motion and was put to us at regular intervals.

After lunch from a Gujrati restaurant, we took them again to the synagogue. I tried to explain Jews and Judaism to the uninterested couple who made a face looking at the paintings depicting arrival and progress of Jews in Kerala. I ranted on my knowledge. At last they asked a question "Ganne ka juice jaisa
"( Like cane juice?)


That shut me up for the rest of day. I have answered some weird questions in life but this was too much.

P.S This just a humourous generalisation. I know many saner Jains.

A vacant space

Last week dad's best friend passed away. He was an acute diabetic and living alone after wife's death. The bai(housemaid) would come in at sometime in the day and prepare the next 24 hr meal for him.

That day, he did not answer the bell. The bai called her son who called his sister about 5 kms away. She and another brother broke into the house. The iron grill door took some time to give away. Inside, he lay semi conscious on bed struck with a stroke. They rushed him to the hospital where he lay for a week showing no signs of reversal. He had no children and no will to live.

Dad called up in one evening with the news. I just grunted, talked about few other things before putting down the receiver. I had seen him come to our house almost on adaily basis from the time I could remember anything. As more memories played playback, more tears welled up in the eyes. I rarely called him after I got married. But he was always a part which now lies vacant.